I swear, with all these sick or doctor posts you would think we should live in a bubble!! I had to go to my OBGYN today for a sonogram on my ovaries because I believe there is a cyst on one or both. Ugh! So since T is in China for another week, Wyatt got to go to Playcare. He did NOT want to let go of me. He is teething and is extra clingy right now. Usually I don't mind, cause it means extra snuggles for me (score!). But I pretty much had to dig his fingers out of my shirt to give him to the girl. And he scream. And he cried. And he saw some trains. And he was good to go.
So I head over to the doctors office, making it there about 5 minutes early (appt was at 11) after stopping at 7/11 to get a 24 oz bottle of water to down on my way. I got checked in, sat down and waited. And waited. And texted Brooke. And waited some more. By this time that 24 oz of H2O had made it through me and I felt like I was about to bust! After texting some more, playing online (yay for internet on phones!) I was finally called back, AT 11:56! I was sooooooo MAD! Anywho, I go in the room, and the tech tells me I can empty all that water out. THANK GOODNESS! I was about to pee on the floor I kid you not. (Oh and let me tell you, that sonogram is NOT like you see in the movies. No siree. Its a giant wand. And the best view is NOT from the top of your stomach). So I am laying there all awkward and vulnerable with the tech pushing that wand into my already tender and sore ovaries. Making me cringe in pain. Oh crud she says. WHAT? What is the crud for?! Oh uh I forgot to turn on the measurements. WTF?!! Your the damn tech, that ovary has already been tortured enough and now you have to do it again because you suck at life?! SUCK! Well, when she was finished I was allowed to wrap the giant paper sheet back around my butt and scuttle back into the bathroom to get dressed and go pay my $20.
Well, I had not heard about my bloodwork from my appt 2 weeks previous, so I ask about it. The receptionist was like well, our policy is no news is good news. I stare at her. So she adds, "well I will go double check just in case." In my polite voice, Oh thank you. As I continue to stare her down. A couple minutes later, umm Kendra, could you step into this room please? Like I am gonna say no. Psh. So the nurse tells me I have low thyroid and need to see an endocrinologist. No biggie. I figured what with the never ending sleepiness, lack of weight loss, and the hair laying all over the house that could make 4 wigs, I knew it was coming. Then the nurse says did we do a urine culture on you? Ummm yes, yes you did. In fact I went back after I paid LAST time to see what the dipstick had said (dipstick as in the actual stick you dip, not the idiot nurse who forgot to dip it before I went back), and it showed nothing, but was going to be sent off just in case. Well I also have a UTI. See that Doctor You Should Drink More Water? I DO have a UTI told ya so. Great. Jerk. Wish you had been right. So the nurse darts out of the room yelling TRACEY (who is the PA), and gets a Rx for the UTI. So I leave the doctor with sharp stabbing ovary pain, not knowing the reason as to why the pain is there, a Rx for some UTI meds, and a # for an endocrinologist. JOY.
Then while I am driving to get a quick lunch, the pediatrician calls. Hey can we change your son's 18 month appt? Sure why not, no big deal. Just 1 day. Then I grab some lunch, and head back to playcare. Wyatt is playing by the window and sees me as I walk up. He again starts screaming. As I wait for them to check out this other mom, Wyatt is wailing because I was there but am once again gone from sight. Such a horrible mommy, abandoning my child. But alas, he is returned to me and we go home and he naps and I call the endocrinologist. After losing connection 3 times, I finally make my appointment and am done with doctors for the day...after I call the OBGYN and have them fax the lab results. Ok NOW I am done with doctors for the day. YAY!
I should hear about the ovary thing within a week. Grrr! I have waited long enough! Just let me know already! GAH!
However, to lighten my day up, Wyatt decided to make me laugh tonight after putting him to bed. He woke up, and as I am waiting to see if he will go back to sleep, he apparently decides to undo the diaper, but leave the shorts on. So when I go to pick him up, his shorts are wet. Such a sweetheart. Thinking of ways to make mommy laugh when she has had a hard day. I am sure that was his intention the whole time, not to play with his winkie. Oy the joys of boys.

So since my meltdown a month or so ago, T went into talk to his urologist about his lack of sperm. His uro ordered bloodwork and another S/A. We found out T's FSH level (the stuff that makes the sperm in the body) was .5 and normal is 1-18. They also checked his LH level (Luteinizing Hormone, help produce testosterone) was .3, normal is 2-18. Since being on the male hormone replacements, his testosterone levels were actually normal for once, however those hormones may also be what is effing with the FSH and LH levels. The second S/A showed the same results at the first, nothing. So the plan is for T to go off the hormones until June/July and see if that fixes his count, or at least helps boost it some.

If it does fix it, then we know we can try on our own whenever it is we decide to try. If it doesn't fix it, we save for treatments. Probably looking at the start of next year. In June we will also see how much the new insurance will cover for IF treatments if any. So we are basically banking on June. I just wish it would hurry up and get here!!!

http://gnluv.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/a-ttc-journey/ (Go watch this video)

In other news, we took the front rail off of Wy's crib yesterday. It is going alright so far. He hasn't fallen out, and seems to be doing well. I, however, almost cried because I know my little baby is a little boy. I love this stage and that he can do all these wonderful things now like play patty cake, and pretend to stir his food, or go down the slide by himself. But I miss my little bump on the floor that just cooed and drooled. Never thought I would say I missed my drooly boy.

Vintage Wyatt, 2 weeks old

Wyatt now (Corley do the playdoh toys look familiar :))

My grandma and sister came down this past week while the hubby was out of town for work. Before T left for his trip we had gone to the Collin County Home and Garden Show (pretty much a waste of $, not much there), but we did learn that there was a Habitat for Humanity Re-Store in our town. So my grandma wanted to go there and see if they had a crystal chandelier by chance. They didn't, but they had the PERFECT chandelier to go over our stair case. You see right now there is a dumpy builders grade light fixture above the stairs that is impossible to reach without the power of levitation or a $200 ladder, or a $$$ call to the electrician. This chandelier however, was a steal! It was only $55. And my grandma decided to chip in $20, bringing the price for us down to $35. After T got home, we went to Home Depot for a new cord because the one that is in it now is brittle. We also needed to get a longer chain for it. Well, we were talking to the HD guy, and he happened to have an oil rubbed bronze chain someone had given to HD because they didn't need it. And we got about 10' of new cord. The chain was FREE and the cord was $3! So my awesome chandlier's grand total is $38! Talk about a bargain!

I am getting ready to paint our two front rooms, and our half bath downstairs. It took about 2 weeks of samples, and about a million different samples to decide on the color for the front rooms. Brooke and Corley, you got the pictures lol. It is ridiculous! It is a blue/gray color. I took a behr gray (something storm) and added some Olympic blue and wala. Perfect. We haven't picked a color for the bath yet. I hadn't really planned on painting it, but I had some paint for the living room that I had shook up to do some touch up from the previous tenants and I thought the bathroom and living room were the same color. Umm nope. Apparently the bathroom is a much lighter shade. So now we have 2 very dark patches in the bathroom. Luckily it is a relatively small room so it won't take much to paint.
I would like to paint this weekend, but we are celebrating my husband's families birthdays. His two brothers, dad, and his brothers significant others all have March birthdays. Which is why I refuse to get pregnant in June. Granted, the month of June is pretty full too with my sisters and his mom, and October with mine, my grandma's my two nephews and my adorable son! Man, people should spread birthdays out more! They shold plan for future family members and make sure that birthdays are covered throughout the year not all at once! Its like having 2 Christmas'.

Anyway, back to housework. We dug out some of the ugly bushes out front. I will post pictures later when I have something pretty planted. I'll do before/during/after pics! Its gonna be great. I am gonna plant some Gardenia, Camellias, and Peonies. It will be GORGEOUS and smell so wonderful. I can hardly wait! The only obstacle now is which Camellias to get. Pink Icicle, Shishi Gashira, Tom Knudson, there are just sooo many. I am leaning towards the ShiShi. I know which Gardenias I am getting, the Frost Proof. Name says it all! Easy maintenance gardenias have my name written all over them. I never really had any desire in gardening before we got our own home. Now I can't stop thinking about it! We really want to put in a veggie garden out back, but it will have to wait til next year when we can get the ground ready. However we are hoping to get a blackberry and blueberry bush this year and maybe even some strawberries. And T has his mind set on some Tomatoes. I cannot wait! This year is going to be a good one.

Last month when they told us T couldn't make anymore babies, I was hoping that it was just a blocked tube or something. That it would unblock itself. Before they said 0. Before they said sorry. Before they mentioned IVF or IUI. Before they said infertility. Before all that the farthest thing from my mind was having another one. I was focused on becoming a teacher. I was focused on getting a job. I was focused on becoming more independent. I was focused on paying off debt. I was focused on my son and watching him grow. Would another baby have been nice? Sure but I was not ready. Before...

Now all I can think about is what if. What if we can't have another. What if those 3 samples frozen in the bank don't work. What if when insurance switches in June Infertility won't be covered anymore. What if we just can't have another. All I want now is to have another. I don't care about getting a job as much. I don't care about getting out of debt as much. In fact I want more debt. I want DR bills and pre natal visits and hospital and lab fees and all that.

Its like when someone tells you that you can't have that cookie. You didn't really want a cookie before. Had you had a cookie before it would have been nice. But either way it didn't really matter. But now that someone has told you no cookie for you all you want is that stupid cookie. Even if it is oatmeal raising and you hate raisins, you still want it because you were told you couldn't have it.

Now all I can think about is will we have another child? Yeah we can adopt if all else fails, but I am scared to death of adoption. My mother and uncle were adopted. My grandparents didn't know when they adopted them that they would have learning disabilities or emotional problems and all sorts of other issues. If we adopt what will those children be like? I know that even with conceiving biological children that those issues could be present. But there is just something about knowing what nutrients were passed on through that little umbilical cord. What vitamins were taken, what drugs and alcohol were avoided at all costs.

Yesterday my monthly reminder showed up telling me hey, your not pregnant. I think that is when it really hit home. When it all really became a reality to me. This past month we didn't use any sort of protection. I know my body and I know when my fertile window was. I know that if we could have gotten pregnant than it would have happened.

I know people try for months and years to have one child which we already have. And I know I am more than blessed to have a happy healthy child. But I don't think I could ever be satisfied with just one. I always envisioned my family with 3 little children running around the back yard. Playing with the dog, yelling he hit me, and the other one yelling did not! In my mind that was perfect.

I feel a little selfish because some would be more than happy with just one. If only they could have that ONE. And if it never happens I guess I would get used to just having one. But in my heart, deep down, I would always long for another.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. About needing more and not knowing what will happen. I always felt sad for those who couldn't have babies. I know that are chances are good of conceiving another even if it is in a doctors office instead of the bedroom (or kitchen or office or hell the stairs even). But those damn what ifs in the back of my mind are haunting me. Until those two lines show up we won't know. And until we can afford those treatments, and until our insurance switches over, until then, those what ifs will linger. There isn't anything we can really do. Just wait and see.

I just needed to get all this out. Just needed to express myself where it most likely won't be read by the one person I can't vent to from fear of upsetting him. Making him sad and feel guilty. I don't mean to. I don't blame him at all for this situation we are in. Its not like he wanted this or could have prevented this. Testicular cancer isn't preventable. It just happens. We were lucky he caught it early before it spread and for that I am truely truely thankful. I am so glad I still have him. Every day and every second I am thankful for him. I love him more than words can say. But I also know the feelings I am feeling right now he feels too. And all it would do is make him sad. So instead I am writing them here. Where he probably won't read, and where it won't make him sad...

Momma!! Look!!! Lets go outside!!

Our front yard...walkin in a winter wonderland!

Blizzard Dog!
Mom, its cold out here!
My snow, go away!
Look I made a hole!

We had a blast playing in the snow! T came home from work early and we made a snowman too.

Girly Romper with handmade ruffles! (Still need to sew on buttons, but my button thing on my sewing machine has a love hate relationship with buttons. It loves to pop them in two.)
Handmade ruffle close up!
Cupcake applique...I am rethinking the Sweet though. Kind of looks like a 5 year old wrote it...

The hat has a sun bonnet feel to me.

Strawberry Hat!
Ribbet...Ribbet...
Lady bug!

So, this past week some guy from Home Depot came out to give us a spiel about a water softener system. Blah Blah Blah...I was not really sold, Trav was though. Until he saw the price for this awesome system. $6995. It is so nice though that it isn't an even $7k. Well, for our time our compensation was for a free 3 day and 2 night stay at a hotel in a list of different places. Sooo, this post is about a list. A list of wonderful vacations you get to help pick out! We have to choose our top 3 places we want to go. We narrowed it down to 11. In no particular order

1. Aruba
2. Outer Banks, NC
3. Puerto Vallarta
4. Ft. Lauderdale
5. Calgary, CAN
6. San Luis Obispo, CA
7. San Carlos, Sonora
8. Ozarks
9. Hilton Head, SC
10. Padre
11. Hershey, PA

Numbers 8, 11, and 10 are Travs picks. (Hershey would be fun and all (CORLEY) but for the same price for the airfare we could go to a beach in another country). And I have been to the Ozarks a million times when my Dad worked for Silver Dollar City, so that doesn't impress me much. But we could save on airfare, same with Padre.Numbers 1, 3, and 9 are my picks. Hello beaches haha! Airefare for all of these places are pretty much the same. I really wanted to go to Hawaii, but plane tickets are twice what they were for all the other places :( All the other numbers are places we would like to go that sounded fun. We picked them together, but are not really set either way for them.

This is what we are doing with our tax return this year. We are taking a relaxing trip just the two of us to take in everything from this past month. Granted, we are also paying off my behemoth car and taking a family trip to NC. Yay for first time home buyers credit! (Corley find a way to sneak down to NC in June ok!)

Today I am going to the doctor to have her look at my ear. Ya know, the one my son punctured with my glasses back in August? It has been killing me for the past two weeks and T got tired of me complaining (I can't even lay on my left side because of it). So he made me go to a real doctor (I just wanted to go to urgent care, but he insisted if I had to go to an ENT it would be better to start with a real doctor office yadda yadda yadda).
This weekend while watching the big game (WAY TO GO SAINTS) I spent a lot of it crocheting some new hats. If I have time later I will upload some pictures of the awesomeness!