Coping...

Last month when they told us T couldn't make anymore babies, I was hoping that it was just a blocked tube or something. That it would unblock itself. Before they said 0. Before they said sorry. Before they mentioned IVF or IUI. Before they said infertility. Before all that the farthest thing from my mind was having another one. I was focused on becoming a teacher. I was focused on getting a job. I was focused on becoming more independent. I was focused on paying off debt. I was focused on my son and watching him grow. Would another baby have been nice? Sure but I was not ready. Before...

Now all I can think about is what if. What if we can't have another. What if those 3 samples frozen in the bank don't work. What if when insurance switches in June Infertility won't be covered anymore. What if we just can't have another. All I want now is to have another. I don't care about getting a job as much. I don't care about getting out of debt as much. In fact I want more debt. I want DR bills and pre natal visits and hospital and lab fees and all that.

Its like when someone tells you that you can't have that cookie. You didn't really want a cookie before. Had you had a cookie before it would have been nice. But either way it didn't really matter. But now that someone has told you no cookie for you all you want is that stupid cookie. Even if it is oatmeal raising and you hate raisins, you still want it because you were told you couldn't have it.

Now all I can think about is will we have another child? Yeah we can adopt if all else fails, but I am scared to death of adoption. My mother and uncle were adopted. My grandparents didn't know when they adopted them that they would have learning disabilities or emotional problems and all sorts of other issues. If we adopt what will those children be like? I know that even with conceiving biological children that those issues could be present. But there is just something about knowing what nutrients were passed on through that little umbilical cord. What vitamins were taken, what drugs and alcohol were avoided at all costs.

Yesterday my monthly reminder showed up telling me hey, your not pregnant. I think that is when it really hit home. When it all really became a reality to me. This past month we didn't use any sort of protection. I know my body and I know when my fertile window was. I know that if we could have gotten pregnant than it would have happened.

I know people try for months and years to have one child which we already have. And I know I am more than blessed to have a happy healthy child. But I don't think I could ever be satisfied with just one. I always envisioned my family with 3 little children running around the back yard. Playing with the dog, yelling he hit me, and the other one yelling did not! In my mind that was perfect.

I feel a little selfish because some would be more than happy with just one. If only they could have that ONE. And if it never happens I guess I would get used to just having one. But in my heart, deep down, I would always long for another.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. About needing more and not knowing what will happen. I always felt sad for those who couldn't have babies. I know that are chances are good of conceiving another even if it is in a doctors office instead of the bedroom (or kitchen or office or hell the stairs even). But those damn what ifs in the back of my mind are haunting me. Until those two lines show up we won't know. And until we can afford those treatments, and until our insurance switches over, until then, those what ifs will linger. There isn't anything we can really do. Just wait and see.

I just needed to get all this out. Just needed to express myself where it most likely won't be read by the one person I can't vent to from fear of upsetting him. Making him sad and feel guilty. I don't mean to. I don't blame him at all for this situation we are in. Its not like he wanted this or could have prevented this. Testicular cancer isn't preventable. It just happens. We were lucky he caught it early before it spread and for that I am truely truely thankful. I am so glad I still have him. Every day and every second I am thankful for him. I love him more than words can say. But I also know the feelings I am feeling right now he feels too. And all it would do is make him sad. So instead I am writing them here. Where he probably won't read, and where it won't make him sad...