Last month when they told us T couldn't make anymore babies, I was hoping that it was just a blocked tube or something. That it would unblock itself. Before they said 0. Before they said sorry. Before they mentioned IVF or IUI. Before they said infertility. Before all that the farthest thing from my mind was having another one. I was focused on becoming a teacher. I was focused on getting a job. I was focused on becoming more independent. I was focused on paying off debt. I was focused on my son and watching him grow. Would another baby have been nice? Sure but I was not ready. Before...

Now all I can think about is what if. What if we can't have another. What if those 3 samples frozen in the bank don't work. What if when insurance switches in June Infertility won't be covered anymore. What if we just can't have another. All I want now is to have another. I don't care about getting a job as much. I don't care about getting out of debt as much. In fact I want more debt. I want DR bills and pre natal visits and hospital and lab fees and all that.

Its like when someone tells you that you can't have that cookie. You didn't really want a cookie before. Had you had a cookie before it would have been nice. But either way it didn't really matter. But now that someone has told you no cookie for you all you want is that stupid cookie. Even if it is oatmeal raising and you hate raisins, you still want it because you were told you couldn't have it.

Now all I can think about is will we have another child? Yeah we can adopt if all else fails, but I am scared to death of adoption. My mother and uncle were adopted. My grandparents didn't know when they adopted them that they would have learning disabilities or emotional problems and all sorts of other issues. If we adopt what will those children be like? I know that even with conceiving biological children that those issues could be present. But there is just something about knowing what nutrients were passed on through that little umbilical cord. What vitamins were taken, what drugs and alcohol were avoided at all costs.

Yesterday my monthly reminder showed up telling me hey, your not pregnant. I think that is when it really hit home. When it all really became a reality to me. This past month we didn't use any sort of protection. I know my body and I know when my fertile window was. I know that if we could have gotten pregnant than it would have happened.

I know people try for months and years to have one child which we already have. And I know I am more than blessed to have a happy healthy child. But I don't think I could ever be satisfied with just one. I always envisioned my family with 3 little children running around the back yard. Playing with the dog, yelling he hit me, and the other one yelling did not! In my mind that was perfect.

I feel a little selfish because some would be more than happy with just one. If only they could have that ONE. And if it never happens I guess I would get used to just having one. But in my heart, deep down, I would always long for another.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. About needing more and not knowing what will happen. I always felt sad for those who couldn't have babies. I know that are chances are good of conceiving another even if it is in a doctors office instead of the bedroom (or kitchen or office or hell the stairs even). But those damn what ifs in the back of my mind are haunting me. Until those two lines show up we won't know. And until we can afford those treatments, and until our insurance switches over, until then, those what ifs will linger. There isn't anything we can really do. Just wait and see.

I just needed to get all this out. Just needed to express myself where it most likely won't be read by the one person I can't vent to from fear of upsetting him. Making him sad and feel guilty. I don't mean to. I don't blame him at all for this situation we are in. Its not like he wanted this or could have prevented this. Testicular cancer isn't preventable. It just happens. We were lucky he caught it early before it spread and for that I am truely truely thankful. I am so glad I still have him. Every day and every second I am thankful for him. I love him more than words can say. But I also know the feelings I am feeling right now he feels too. And all it would do is make him sad. So instead I am writing them here. Where he probably won't read, and where it won't make him sad...

Momma!! Look!!! Lets go outside!!

Our front yard...walkin in a winter wonderland!

Blizzard Dog!
Mom, its cold out here!
My snow, go away!
Look I made a hole!

We had a blast playing in the snow! T came home from work early and we made a snowman too.

Girly Romper with handmade ruffles! (Still need to sew on buttons, but my button thing on my sewing machine has a love hate relationship with buttons. It loves to pop them in two.)
Handmade ruffle close up!
Cupcake applique...I am rethinking the Sweet though. Kind of looks like a 5 year old wrote it...

The hat has a sun bonnet feel to me.

Strawberry Hat!
Ribbet...Ribbet...
Lady bug!

So, this past week some guy from Home Depot came out to give us a spiel about a water softener system. Blah Blah Blah...I was not really sold, Trav was though. Until he saw the price for this awesome system. $6995. It is so nice though that it isn't an even $7k. Well, for our time our compensation was for a free 3 day and 2 night stay at a hotel in a list of different places. Sooo, this post is about a list. A list of wonderful vacations you get to help pick out! We have to choose our top 3 places we want to go. We narrowed it down to 11. In no particular order

1. Aruba
2. Outer Banks, NC
3. Puerto Vallarta
4. Ft. Lauderdale
5. Calgary, CAN
6. San Luis Obispo, CA
7. San Carlos, Sonora
8. Ozarks
9. Hilton Head, SC
10. Padre
11. Hershey, PA

Numbers 8, 11, and 10 are Travs picks. (Hershey would be fun and all (CORLEY) but for the same price for the airfare we could go to a beach in another country). And I have been to the Ozarks a million times when my Dad worked for Silver Dollar City, so that doesn't impress me much. But we could save on airfare, same with Padre.Numbers 1, 3, and 9 are my picks. Hello beaches haha! Airefare for all of these places are pretty much the same. I really wanted to go to Hawaii, but plane tickets are twice what they were for all the other places :( All the other numbers are places we would like to go that sounded fun. We picked them together, but are not really set either way for them.

This is what we are doing with our tax return this year. We are taking a relaxing trip just the two of us to take in everything from this past month. Granted, we are also paying off my behemoth car and taking a family trip to NC. Yay for first time home buyers credit! (Corley find a way to sneak down to NC in June ok!)

Today I am going to the doctor to have her look at my ear. Ya know, the one my son punctured with my glasses back in August? It has been killing me for the past two weeks and T got tired of me complaining (I can't even lay on my left side because of it). So he made me go to a real doctor (I just wanted to go to urgent care, but he insisted if I had to go to an ENT it would be better to start with a real doctor office yadda yadda yadda).
This weekend while watching the big game (WAY TO GO SAINTS) I spent a lot of it crocheting some new hats. If I have time later I will upload some pictures of the awesomeness!

This weekend was by far the worst I think we have ever had.

Travis went to his reproductive endocrinologist on Saturday to have a seman analysis done to check and see what the radiation and hormone replacement therapy has done to his sperm count. The lab tech told him that they couldn't tell him his results there and that they would send the results to his urologist. Well, after checking the sample, she came back and told him that they couldn't find anything in the sample. Not even 1. So they were going to centrifuge it (spin it around really fast) and get a concentrated sample to double check. 30 minutes later and 2 more opinions it was confirmed that T doesn't have any sperm. There is a slight possibility of a block and they were going to check for fructose just in case. However the reality is more likely.

T looked at a brochure while he was in there that had the prices of fertility treatments. Holy freaking cow! It will cost $900 for an IUI (interuterine insemination), $950 for IUI+medications, $4000 for IUI + injectibles, and $12,000 for IVF (InVitro Fertilization). So now we are saving saving saving and T is going to set up an appointment with his Uro to check things out. Not really sure what our next step will be or should be.

Well, that was Saturday. Sunday we got early to try out a new church. We will not be going back though!! It was much to relaxed for us. First of all, they put our walking, climbing, rough and tumble boy in a nursery room with babies newborn to BARELY walking. Even though right next door was a room full of running around toddlers. Why you ask? Because he was 15 months and the next room was for 18 months +. Even after I tried to tell them he walks around everywhere and climbs and is too big for the rest of the babies in the first room (next oldest child was barely crawling...) They assured us that if he was too big they would switch him. They didn't. UGH. Then during the service people kept getting up to go grab a cup of coffee and come sit back down. And all the little kids were playing on Iphones or being rambunkcious (SP??). It did not leave a good taste in our mouth. I guess we are just a little too traditional when it comes to churches.

Sunday evening I was not feeling good at all! My stomach was really queasy and I just felt all around BLAH! So we put Wyatt down and I went to bed too. By 10, I still couldn't sleep so T rand a bath for me. All of a sudden I didn't feel good and made him grab the pitcher we use to rinse the tub out. Filled that about halfway up. It wasn't pretty. I got out took a shower and went to bed. I ate 1 cracker and 2 sips of water because I was soooo thirsty. Well that was a BAD idea! Around 11:30 that came back up. I finally fell asleep, but Wyatt is teething and he kept waking up all night. Every 2-3 hours. Finally Travis tossed some stuffed animals into the crib and Wyatt went right to sleep around 5.

Monday I had my job interview with Dallas Independent School District. The school is on the other side of town from us. But a job is a job right? South Dallas resembles North Tulsa a lot! The school is about 48% black, 48 % hispanic, and 4% other. Although I am not sure what the other is as I didn't see any of the 4%. I think the interview went really well. The assistant principal said she like my answers to the questions. They were interviewing 1 other girl after me. I really hope I get this job. If nothing else it will be a foot in the door. I know it won't be a long term job because during the interview, the Asst Principal mentioned needing to scale down on teachers as it is right now class sizes are 6-10 students:1 teacher and it should be 22:1. But if I can just get this first job, life will be much easier. And after getting the first job, the second is usally easier!